Clean Up in Aisle 5

So I did something stupid last week, something pretty uncharacteristic of me, and I’ve felt silly about it ever since. As it turns out it created a kind of ripple effect that’s working in my favor, so I guess it’s just as well that I did what I did, but still, I know why I did it, and I still feel pretty silly.

I ran into some old friends at the grocery store a couple of days before Thanksgiving. I know them from grad school and even though they’re closer with other friends of mine, we’ve hung out several times and it’s an all-around friendly situation. I haven’t seen them in a while, probably a year or so, certainly not since I went back to the movie store in July, so we were doing some quick middle-of-the-aisle catching up.

It was all very hi-how-are-you, what-are-you-up-these-days and as I’m standing there in my movie store work shirt I sense what feels suspiciously like inferiority-tinged desperation creeping over me. These people knew me when I was an up & coming graduate student with all the promise of a professional future in the exciting world of earth science; now here I am, at the same crappy job I was working part time three years ago, not doing anything with my life, and for the first time in a very, very long time – like, maybe since high school, for Christ’s sake – I thought, “Oh my God, I look like such a loser.”

I don’t even think that’s true - I really don’t! (Doth I protest too much? Screw you! I really don’t!) For one thing, I’ve got plans and a vision for my future and all sorts of things I want to do, things that I’m actively working toward achieving. For another, I don’t give a crap what my job is as long as it pays the bills. I’m not ashamed of where I work or what I do; I like my job (for the most part, when it’s not driving me crazy) and I certainly don’t care about power or prestige or even what people think of me (for the most part). And yet there I stood in the Food Lion meat department, scrambling to make a mad dash out of Loserville.

All of a sudden I knew what I was going to say. I didn’t want to say it, knew I shouldn’t say it, there was no reason for me to say it, and yet out it came: “I’m planning on joining the Peace Corps.”

Now this is not a lie. I haven’t come to that, at least; I am not yet so pathetic that I need to make up fictional aspirations or accomplishments. I really do plan to join the Peace Corps, I’ve got the application almost completely filled out and everything, it’s just that a) I made the decision about 5 days prior to this encounter and b) why am I telling them this?? I haven’t even told my best friends at this point, so why am I talking about it in the grocery store with people who are slightly more than acquaintances?

I’ll tell you why: because I used to be a promising graduate student, until I chucked all that promise out the window and disappeared from the world they knew. I know what happened back then and while I may not know exactly why I did what I did, I’ve come through it and I’m moving forward. My friends in the grocery store don’t know any of that stuff, though, and I just didn’t want to look like a loser.

None of this is any kind of big deal, I’m aware of that. People do stuff like this – and way worse, I’m sure – all the time. Not me, though; not typically. I don’t feel bad so much as ridiculous – I think “silly” sums it up pretty well. On the plus side, the whole experience may help me move forward with my Peace Corps plans. My friends were excited to hear about my plans because hey, they’re good friends, they probably don’t think I’m a loser (probably), and said I should get in touch with another mutual friend of ours who was in the Peace Corps years ago. And lo and behold, guess whose boyfriend walked into the movie store today?

I laughed when I saw him and told him about last week’s conversation (minus the psychobabble of my inner monologue) and he was so excited for me, he gave me their number and wants to get together and talk. The best part was having an honest exchange about spinning my wheels in a convenient though essentially dead end job, a situation he can relate to. So I’m looking forward to hanging out with him and his girlfriend, especially since I think it’ll really motivate me to keep moving forward with this newfangled idea.

It still strikes me as funny that almost two years past the whole grad school experience, this one chance encounter put me right back on the defensive. I know I’m still dealing with the fallout of that part of my life and will probably continue to for a long while, but I generally do a good job of keeping it all in perspective. But if losing perspective in what seemed like a random moment turns out to have been fortune smiling down on me once again, then hey, I’ll roll with it.