Inconveniently Convenient

I was really hungry after work today but was out & about for a couple of hours before getting home. It seemed like there was a McDriveThru at every intersection, promising convenience and an end to hunger. That's when I realized I had absolutely no desire for junk food (gasp!), it was the convenience itself I craved, the ability to select, pay for, and eat my food without having to move my ass out of my car. Seriously, if my seat reclined a little more comfortably, I'd never get out.

Happily, I was encouraged to discover that my desire to make healthful choices outweighed the convenience factor enough to make some mild hunger worth suffering through for a few extra minutes. Having actually shopped for more than Greek yogurt and Luna bars last week, the fixin's for curry seafood salad were lying in wait at home. That was all the support I needed to motor past the next couple of drive-throughs without a second glance.

This isn't the first time this has happened, that I've had a desire for fast food without the insatiable craving aspect, but it still amazes me. It's just as powerful every time, to witness myself not being controlled by food. I know eventually it will be so commonplace, it won't feel anything but normal, but from where I'm standing now the bloom is still on the rose and it smells very, very sweet.

Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, thou art my downfall

From March 21:

So I'm on a road trip with Amy, one of my best friends in the world, and we go to Wendy's because we're on the road and not even half way there, and I'm being MINDFUL, which is a major pillar in my work with Chaundra. Standing in front of the menu, I go with the jr. bacon cheeseburger because I'm not convinced the chicken they use is any less disgusting than the beef, and I'm starving, so give me a break. Besides, another pillar of my food therapy is knowing that I CAN EAT ANYTHING I WANT - I just have to want it. Well, I wanted a jr. bacon cheeseburger.

A third pillar is making HEALTHFUL choices, so I decided to get a baked potato and Caesar salad, too. (The kid asked me, "What kind of dressing?" He was impervious to my blank stare, brief hesitation, and deadpan response: "Caesar.") Oh, I also chose water over diet Coke because I'd just read something linking normal doses of Nutrasweet to cancer in rats.

So I made two healthful choices and one not-so-healthful choice. Kind of a lot of food, but that was OK because part of being mindful is eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full, so I just wouldn't finish everything. The problem was that I was soooo hungry, TOO hungry, and just like grocery shopping, it's not a great idea to order off a fast food menu when you're starving.

Maybe it's because I usually get 2 cheeseburgers at McDonald's, maybe it's because one didn't sound like enough, especially before I thought of the potato & salad. Anyway, Mistake #1: I ordered 2 jr. bacon cheeseburgers.

Now here's what I did that WAS smart: I only ate one of the burgers. When I finished everything else, I gaged my level of fullness and knew I wasn't hungry anymore. Which is great, but it led to Mistake #2: Not throwing the goddamn 2nd burger away. No, God forbid i waste some crappy fast food that cost a DOLLAR; instead, I put it in my pocket. You know, for later (yeah, right).

That 2nd jr. bacon cheeseburger proceeded to stalk me over the next several hours. I missed entire pieces of conversation with Amy because my attention was so focused on that crappy burger. I held out for almost three hours until it broke me down. Even though I was full and didn't particularly want the damn thing, I ate it anyway, just so it would stop nagging me. Let the inner monologue of doubt and contempt for my total lack of willpower or self-control or whatever it is that I seem to be incapable of begin...