Friday, September 18, 2009

Trader Joe, Trader Joe, wherefore art thou, Trader Joe?

I’ve put off grocery shopping yet again so I had no breakfast this morning. I didn’t have anything on hand yesterday, either, so I went to McDonald’s for an egg McMuffin, hash brown, & OJ. Not an ideal breakfast but not too bad, really. This morning I was running pretty late and didn’t want to do Mickey D’s two days in a row so I decided to hit up the new CVS across the street from work. I was just going to say “Fuck it” and get some Hostess mini donuts and diet soda – breakfast of champions! – but guess which donuts they DIDN’T have? The ones I wanted! I pondered the Honey Buns but couldn’t bring myself to do it, the oily condensation on the inside of the wrapper grossed me out too much.

In the end, I didn’t do too bad: a mini container of Honey Nut Cheerios with 1% milk, fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt, a Luna bar (always stashed at my desk), and a small bag of this weird popcorn/puffed whole grain cereal honey cluster thing for a snack later on. So I ended up making some halfway healthful decisions, even though it was a little too much sugar for me.

Still, it took some back-and-forthing through the aisles of CVS to pull that off, about as long as it would have taken to hit up a drive through. I certainly wasn’t expecting it to be more difficult to eat healthily in Connecticut than in North Carolina! It’s not like I lived in some cool hippy town like Asheville or Boone, Wilmington is only marginally cool, and Carolina Beach is like a cool, not-too-scuzzy dive bar (the BEST kind of dive bar, which will remain dear to my heart for all eternity). I don’t suffer any illusions about Waterbury but come on, do I really have to travel a minimum of 10 miles just to get to decent grocery store? Not even a cool one, I’m talking your average run-of-the-mill chain (Big Y’s my favorite); the cool ones are 30-40 miles away, and that just ain’t happening given my current car situation.

Walking back to my car in the CVS parking lot, it dawned on me that in LA it’ll be SO EASY to eat the way I want, since there’s a Whole Foods and/or Trader Joe’s in practically every neighborhood. I really think that I’ve learned enough, and have made significant enough changes in how I shop & eat, that minus the accessibility obstacles I’m dealing with now, I can really fine-tune my day-to-day eating.

Just one more reason to keep my eyes on that western horizon…

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Muting my inner critic

I got a lot done today: I cleaned, I wrote - 4 pages on downtown Waterbury and in my journal - I did two loads of laundry, and yet I'm aware of feeling stressed out because I don't feel I accomplished enough. Also, I'm overly proud of my cleaning gig and desperate for a pat on the back, "Look at me, I cleaned my room like a big girl!" Never mind the fact that it's only a 4x6 foot area that I tidied up, it wasn't a major overhaul or anything.

Still, I am proud of the work I did and the new little set-up I created for myself. I figured that since I'd cleaned the same area several times before - well, at least twice - and shit kept piling up in the same spot, I obviously needed a table or something to put all my crap on. I've been thinking this for weeks but not doing anything about it, which has probably been building up anxiety, and is probably why I feel so damn good about cleaning such a small damn space.

Anyway, I did all this stuff that I'd been putting off and it doesn't feel like enough. Oh I'll still laze around until it's time to get ready to go out tonight but part of me will be anxious, feeling like I should be writing RIGHT NOW! ALL THE TIME! Now maybe that's the part of me desperate to write trying to get out, and I try to nurture her as much as possible, but she is STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT! Hopefully the act of posting this blog will chill her out.

Posting lets me check a couple more things off my never ending mental list: "contribute to blog and overall body of work", "foster inspiration in the hopes of building discipline", and "finish something I start". That last one's a BIG one, and I think it just might be enough to muzzle my inner critic.

Now if I could only do all these things every day while saving money and paying my bills on time, eating sensibly and exercising regularly, I might qualify for adulthood!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

The Starter Boyfriend

A lot's happened in the three months since I last blogged. I decided to leave North Carolina after a 4 1/2 year run and move back to Connecticut; I started, finished, and submitted (ON TIME! Woo hoo!!) a spec script of The Office for the Nickelodeon Television Writing Fellowship; and (drum roll, please) I've got a boyfriend. Talk about accomplishing long term goals! That's a big one to check off my life list, I'll tell ya. And it only took 33 years!

Of course I meet this guy a month after I decide to move 800 miles away, which is so typical of me I could just puke. It's like I set limitations on myself even when I'm not trying. I'm OK with this, though. I'm looking at it like a starter relationship, an opportunity to get my feet wet in the dating pool. Because other than two relatively disastrous first dates -- one in high school, the other with a close friend that was a bad idea from the start -- I have zero experience in normal dating procedures. There was a short-lived online romance 13 years ago, a short-lived dysfunctional just-for-sex relationship 6 years ago, and a bunch of misguided hook-ups along the way, but nothing that qualifies as an official boyfriend situation. Until now. And I'm leaving in exactly 4 weeks. Ugh. But let's focus on the positives.

The fact that I even gave this guy -- his name is Derrick, he's 43, a former Marine, loves dogs, fishing, motorcycles, boxing, and movies -- a chance reflects a major spike in personal growth. I'm very easily intimidated by romantic attention, which is ironic because it's pretty much the thing I've wanted most all my life, even more than being thin. I crave it so much, but then shrink away from it when it's offered. I credit my work in therapy for making the difference this time.

For a long time -- about 2 years -- I didn't care about getting anything done. I've spent the last 15 months focusing lots of time & energy on getting lots of things done, from cleaning my room and paying bills on time to completely overhauling my relationship with food and discovering new purpose in life. When Derrick asked if he could call me, my knee-jerk reaction was to tell him no (or worse -- tell him yes, then never answer the phone; it wouldn't be the first time). But then I thought, well hold on a minute; he seems like a nice a guy and he's interested, why WOULDN'T I say yes, except because I'm afraid? And what am I afraid of? The guy's expressing interest in me so there's no rejection issue. He's standing right in front of me, as opposed to approaching me online, so he knows what I look like, so I don't have to feel self conscious about my body, so that's not an issue. I decided that I didn't want to be afraid, that my life is about moving forward, being assertive, and going after the things I want, and I told him yes.

We exchanged numbers and I told him I'd call him when I got off work. I procrastinated for a while -- I took a nap, for God's sake, I never do that! -- but didn't want to be shithead since he'd really put himself out there, and I finally called. We had a perfectly pleasant conversation, and I spent the next day avoiding his calls. Why, you ask? Because I'm a shithead, of course! I never said I wasn't, just that I didn't want to be one. There's no good reason, I guess I was just a little overwhelmed. I DID return his call eventually, about 5 minutes before I had to walk into work, so we couldn't talk long, but that was the end of my avoidance. I've answered his calls every time since then, I'm happy to say.

One of the best things I'm getting out of this situation is his perspective of my body. He's very appreciative of it and has no problem telling me so. It's pretty difficult to think badly about yourself when someone very sincerely tells you you're beautiful. It's not like my negative body image has evaporated overnight but Derrick's attitude has done a lot to improve it. And more than anything else, he proves that I was right all along: it IS possible for someone to appreciate me for me, irregardless of my body. Take THAT, all you fuckers who couldn't bridge that gap!

Derrick met me at the video store where I work; his first impressions of me were based on the way I interact with people, just being my goofy self, talking about movies and being nice to everyone. And to him, my body isn't an unfortunate obstacle that he needs to tolerate, it's one more lovely thing about me. That's always been hard for me to believe, but he's making it easier. I decided a while back that I was done settling, and Derrick's the first guy I've opened up to since making that decision. I'm proud of myself for being brave enough to do it and I'm grateful to him for giving me the opportunity. While my time with him will be short-lived, the gifts he's given me won't be. I figure things can only get better from here!