From March 21:
So I'm on a road trip with Amy, one of my best friends in the world, and we go to Wendy's because we're on the road and not even half way there, and I'm being MINDFUL, which is a major pillar in my work with Chaundra. Standing in front of the menu, I go with the jr. bacon cheeseburger because I'm not convinced the chicken they use is any less disgusting than the beef, and I'm starving, so give me a break. Besides, another pillar of my food therapy is knowing that I CAN EAT ANYTHING I WANT - I just have to want it. Well, I wanted a jr. bacon cheeseburger.
A third pillar is making HEALTHFUL choices, so I decided to get a baked potato and Caesar salad, too. (The kid asked me, "What kind of dressing?" He was impervious to my blank stare, brief hesitation, and deadpan response: "Caesar.") Oh, I also chose water over diet Coke because I'd just read something linking normal doses of Nutrasweet to cancer in rats.
So I made two healthful choices and one not-so-healthful choice. Kind of a lot of food, but that was OK because part of being mindful is eating when I'm hungry and stopping when I'm full, so I just wouldn't finish everything. The problem was that I was soooo hungry, TOO hungry, and just like grocery shopping, it's not a great idea to order off a fast food menu when you're starving.
Maybe it's because I usually get 2 cheeseburgers at McDonald's, maybe it's because one didn't sound like enough, especially before I thought of the potato & salad. Anyway, Mistake #1: I ordered 2 jr. bacon cheeseburgers.
Now here's what I did that WAS smart: I only ate one of the burgers. When I finished everything else, I gaged my level of fullness and knew I wasn't hungry anymore. Which is great, but it led to Mistake #2: Not throwing the goddamn 2nd burger away. No, God forbid i waste some crappy fast food that cost a DOLLAR; instead, I put it in my pocket. You know, for later (yeah, right).
That 2nd jr. bacon cheeseburger proceeded to stalk me over the next several hours. I missed entire pieces of conversation with Amy because my attention was so focused on that crappy burger. I held out for almost three hours until it broke me down. Even though I was full and didn't particularly want the damn thing, I ate it anyway, just so it would stop nagging me. Let the inner monologue of doubt and contempt for my total lack of willpower or self-control or whatever it is that I seem to be incapable of begin...
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Emptiness
In hindsight, this was a bit of foreshadowing back on February 7:
Right this second, I feel empty inside, like there's a large hole in my mid-section, right underneath my skin - LITERALLY, a hole. I'm sitting here, confused, unsure if I want to fill that hole with food, sex, or love. Or movies, my emotional stuffing of choice. When I want to feel love, I turn to movies because I can feel the characters' feelings, which I guess explains why love stories have always been my favorite. This hole is why I can't bear to be bored for a single second - sit still long enough, and I can feel the emptiness.
Right this second, I feel empty inside, like there's a large hole in my mid-section, right underneath my skin - LITERALLY, a hole. I'm sitting here, confused, unsure if I want to fill that hole with food, sex, or love. Or movies, my emotional stuffing of choice. When I want to feel love, I turn to movies because I can feel the characters' feelings, which I guess explains why love stories have always been my favorite. This hole is why I can't bear to be bored for a single second - sit still long enough, and I can feel the emptiness.
Healthy choices vs. weight loss
A crucial shift in my thinking happened on February 3:
This is going to be really hard. For the first time, I'm beginning to see these changes as health concerns, not weight concerns. I need to NOT FOCUS on the weight loss aspect. It's like, if I do, that makes it too much to deal with, puts too much pressure on me not to screw up, so I should just put it out of my head and focus on making lifestyle changes so that I can maintain my health. The weight loss will happen, naturally & gradually, as a result of my healthful choices, and I'll just handle it when I need to.
This is going to be really hard. For the first time, I'm beginning to see these changes as health concerns, not weight concerns. I need to NOT FOCUS on the weight loss aspect. It's like, if I do, that makes it too much to deal with, puts too much pressure on me not to screw up, so I should just put it out of my head and focus on making lifestyle changes so that I can maintain my health. The weight loss will happen, naturally & gradually, as a result of my healthful choices, and I'll just handle it when I need to.
Insight #1
In my very first session with Chaundra back in early January, my mind was totally blown when I had the following insight:
My compulsive eating habits began at a very young age, though my weight wasn't an issue for several years. My hippie mom tried to restrict my sugar intake from birth (legend has it I wasn't fed any refined sugar during the first year of my life), which raised several eyebrows among less progressive-thinking members of the family. I don't remember my grandmother sneaking me junk food, but I've been told it happened. I picked up the habit and continued to hone my sneaking skills on my own, and around age 11 I started gaining weight.
Discussing this with Chaundra in what was the first completely frank and honest conversation about food I'd ever had in my LIFE, I had the following realization: Puberty started setting in when I was 11, so it logically follows that my changing metabolism caught up with my eating habits and I began to gain weight. That's how it started, not because my parents split up (which happened 4 years prior and didn't make sense as an explanation anyway), not because I was abused or traumatized in some way (I wasn't), not for any other reason than my body finally catching up to my eating.
Holy crap! Mystery freaking solved. Day one and as far as I'm concerned, we hit one out of the park.
My compulsive eating habits began at a very young age, though my weight wasn't an issue for several years. My hippie mom tried to restrict my sugar intake from birth (legend has it I wasn't fed any refined sugar during the first year of my life), which raised several eyebrows among less progressive-thinking members of the family. I don't remember my grandmother sneaking me junk food, but I've been told it happened. I picked up the habit and continued to hone my sneaking skills on my own, and around age 11 I started gaining weight.
Discussing this with Chaundra in what was the first completely frank and honest conversation about food I'd ever had in my LIFE, I had the following realization: Puberty started setting in when I was 11, so it logically follows that my changing metabolism caught up with my eating habits and I began to gain weight. That's how it started, not because my parents split up (which happened 4 years prior and didn't make sense as an explanation anyway), not because I was abused or traumatized in some way (I wasn't), not for any other reason than my body finally catching up to my eating.
Holy crap! Mystery freaking solved. Day one and as far as I'm concerned, we hit one out of the park.
Welcome to my psyche, you poor bastard
I made a decision around Christmas time that this was going to be the year for me to get my shit together, focusing specifically on all the bullshit surrounding my food and weight issues. Thanks to the financial & emotional support of my dear mother, I'm now firmly ensconced in therapy, and I'm making real honest-to-blog progress, which I intend to document here.
Right now I'm seeing two therapists, Ashley and Chaundra. With Ashley, the focus is my habits & behaviors, setting small weekly goals as well as larger, long-term goals, and improving my level of self-care. Chaundra is a food counselor; we focus very specifically on my relationship with food, working to change not just my behaviors, but my entire thought process surrounding food and weight loss.
I'm seeking real change in my life. I've been struggling with food my entire life and with my weight for a little over 20 years, and I finally feel like I'm ready to stop struggling. At 33 I'm in almost the same place I was at 23, and it's time to move on.
A quick note about the format: the first several posts are backdated, because while I've been writing about my experiences, I've also been dragging my feet getting this blog up & running. I'm on track now, though, and am ready to enter the blogosphere.
Right now I'm seeing two therapists, Ashley and Chaundra. With Ashley, the focus is my habits & behaviors, setting small weekly goals as well as larger, long-term goals, and improving my level of self-care. Chaundra is a food counselor; we focus very specifically on my relationship with food, working to change not just my behaviors, but my entire thought process surrounding food and weight loss.
I'm seeking real change in my life. I've been struggling with food my entire life and with my weight for a little over 20 years, and I finally feel like I'm ready to stop struggling. At 33 I'm in almost the same place I was at 23, and it's time to move on.
A quick note about the format: the first several posts are backdated, because while I've been writing about my experiences, I've also been dragging my feet getting this blog up & running. I'm on track now, though, and am ready to enter the blogosphere.
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